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How it feels to be told your worst nightmare just came true..

I am an hour post the ‘C’ chat.

The next few hours of that day are lost. I somehow drove home and have no clue what happened then.

I think I called my husband, my mum and one of my closest friends.

That night I stared to lose my voice, as my body  went into complete and utter melt down and succumbed to a virus that kept me quiet , exhausted and in fever as I tried to cope with the emotional shitstorm that kept coming over me in waves .

I had no reserves to fight against the waves of fear , anger and terror. The screams stuffed down inside of how and why and what the fuck. Nor did I yet have the mental strength or clarity to stop the unravelling of my thoughts into the realms of death , leaving Mark to raise our son alone, and Harrison  , he’s only 5!! I have so much to teach him still! We haven’t been surfing yet! He’s not started swimming lessons! I won’t be here to do all the things , I won’t see him get married!?   My parents, how do you bury your child? my business , Jesus I’ve just spent 2 amazing years building it now no-one will want to talk to me because I represent death disease and everything that represents and obviously the most important that was prevalent in my thoughts and worry  – I’d need to tidy the house , clear the clutter, there are going to be visitors and show Mark how to sort out the bill payments online so he can do al that stuff in my absence – I need to get my accounts finished, I can’t leave him financial stuff to sort , I have to ‘get my house in order’  .

I can laugh about that now – but lay on that bed as my life shattered in a myriad of broken glass in front of me – there were such real issues that I had to sort in the next 48hours because I was being taken away from them.

The following day – my Juice guru and oily oracle Mairi arrived armed with so much love and information. I’m no good without a plan- so we made one . Juice recipes , oil protocols for internal use, external use and an awsome method for applying them- there’s a post coming on eveything in my plan.

We got through the next week in an utter blur.

Mark is usually working away Monday to Friday but he was home the next two nights until the weekend. We didn’t talk about it. I don’t know what we did. I know we spent a lot of time , all evening – 7.30pm til 9.30pm/10pm helping my son get to sleep. He’s literally 2 days before decided to give up his dody. That’s a dummy in our house . Yes he’s 5. I’ll come to that, more sleep stuff and gentle parenting later .

In finally taking that huge step to lose his beloved dummy that he was utterly convened he’d never be able sleep without- he’d unknowingly launched us back 5 years and into 3 hours of ‘bedtime ‘ as he lay, tossed and turned trying bravely to get to sleep without the crutch he’s had for a lifetime . I however was in a world of overwhelming exhaustion and flying solo. I used every took in my toolbox with Epsom salts and calming oils for H   and those that gave me some energy to get thru the the night to the point where I could finally crawl into bed and sleep.

We were in the waiting game now. Waiting for the next appt where we get confirmation of the results and what’s to happen next. My initial fear and helplessness turned to feeling that I needed to empower myself with knowing more about natural ways to get myself out of this mess. My brother is a powerhouse of knowledge on most things related to the body and it turns out- how to deal with cancer via nutrion- I had a book arrive , and links to read talks and a podcast – enter Dominic D’Agostino and I devoured his information regarding keytosis and oxygen. I’m sat typing whilst in an oxygen chamber !

That day cane a week later. Mark came with me to hear our worst nightmare being confirmed . He’s really quiet and very much in denial at this point , hanging onto the fact that this was the result day and they could have got it wrong .

We meet a surgeon and a lovely nurse .

2 lumps . Stage 2. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Non aggressive – thank god.

Surgery will be an option , lumpectomy or mastectomy . I actually requested a double mastectomy as why leave another breast there to be affected in future ?

There are two more positives he says – the type of cancer I have has 2 hormone positive receptors meaning that they will respond well to hormone therapy – tamoxifen and herceptin.

The latter has to be delivered along side chemo!!!!!!

it WHAT?

I gag.

”nope, that I am not ok with”

In case you misssed it , let me tell you something about me. I have a chemical free home, and body – that took a lot of learning , educating myself about and I teach other women how to do the same in my workshops- because chemicals are not good.

You want to pump chemicals into me??

Chemicals that can’t ditinguish between healthy and  non healthy cells ?

Chemicals that can make you incredibly incredibly poorly ( while looking after a 5 year old solo??) and make you susceptible to sepsis – which can kill you .

My plan has already formed before this meeting – my body in Ketosis, oxygen therapy , essential oils , surgery – no to chemo. My plan didn’t match theirs . Not one bit.

I needed to run as fast as I could as I was being backed into a chemo corner and that I do not like.

As my brain fried they handed me tissues and told me nothing can be certain with regard to a treatment until they have CT and MRI scan results. These will be in 3 and 5 days time .

I leave, my spirit in my boots , feeling vulnerable , angry and utterly caged ..


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